its not crazy

I don’t remember how long I’ve been depressed. I saw a councillor when I was fourteen who was unqualified to deal with any actual mental health issues. He told me I had chronic stress and chalked all my problems up to a poor relationship with my mom. When I was sixteen I went to a group therapy program that my school counsellor recommended. The group focused on anxiety, so I sat there and listened to people my age talk about how going to school made them so stressed they felt physically sick. I couldn’t relate at all. I received a formal diagnosis when I was seventeen. Depression. I already knew that, but it took four years and multiple dead ends to find a professional able to tell me what I already knew. In the end, I only got the help I needed because I was persistent.

When I was deep in my depressed state, I got a lot of advice that, at the time, I thought was just stupid. “Go outside, try yoga, wake up early.” It can be hard to see how doing any of that will help you when you can’t even get out of bed, much less wake up at a decent hour. The only thing I could see myself doing was therapy. I thought it would make me feel better and fix everything. Surprisingly, that is not how it works. Therapy typically gives you a diagnosis and resources to help yourself. In my case, the diagnosis was Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD). Although this disorder isn’t as severe as major depression, it puts a damper on everything to the point where life seems empty. I was prescribed Zoloft, and I attend monthly talk therapy sessions. Talk therapy and medication help, but only to the point where you have the motivation to address the other issues in your life.

A big part of PDD is how it affects your relationships with other people. It can be hard to make meaningful connections with other people if you don’t want to get out of bed. Even before I started therapy I had been trying to “get out there” and make friends. But, I was doing it in a way that ended up just being self-destructive. Partying is not the cure for depression. I had to make an effort to connect with the people I wanted to see and not just drink my way into friendships. There’s no trick to making friends. You have to talk to the people you care about and tell them what is going on in your life. It seems scary and awkward at first, but it feels so good to know that you’re connecting with people. It may not seem like it, but we’re all people and we all struggle with similar things.

Tackling relationships with others is one thing. Addressing the relationship you have with yourself is a whole other struggle. I developed an eating disorder when I was 17 because I felt like I wasn’t the one controlling my life. I wanted to take back control of my body from my mental illness. All that did was make me sick and sad. The thing that made me realize I was making myself feel even worse than I was before was when I lost nine pounds the week I started taking Zoloft. The side effects of Zoloft include nausea, vomiting, chills, tremors, and loss of appetite. That was the worst week of my life. I started eating better after that because I was so afraid of starving that I had to eat. Eventually, that gave me the energy to do things like going for runs and doing yoga. I was surprised to find out I enjoy those things, they make me happy.

I’m not fully recovered. But, due to the small changes I made in my life, and the big ones I was forced to make, I’m slowly starting to feel better. I always thought it seemed impossible to do what I’m doing now. I didn’t realize taking things day by day will still make a change and not everything you do has to be impressive. You just have to do it.